The Borowitz Report: Markwayne Mullin Says Anyone Who Claims He Has Anger Issues Will Get Kicked in the Face

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/markwayne-mullin-says-anyone-who

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Portraying himself as a staunch pacifist at his Senate confirmation hearing on Wednesday, DHS nominee Markwayne Mullin said that anyone who claimed he had anger-management issues would get “kicked in the face.”

“I believe that every dispute should be settled peacefully,” Mullin said. “And if anyone questions my sincerity about that, I’ll shove my fist down their throat and tear out their lungs.”

He took issue with Sen. Rand Paul’s characterization of him as someone who advocates political violence, stating, “Say that again, Four Eyes, and I’ll rip off your stupid goggles, grind them under my shoe, and make you eat the glass.”

In a boost for the nominee, outgoing DHS Secretary Kristi Noem endorsed the Oklahoma senator, asserting, “Markwayne Mullin has what it takes to fulfill all my duties, including killing defenseless pets.”

- short article, no more at link -

It's hard to believe that anyone in Washington is LESS qualified than this guy.

[Lulu KC]

1. So grateful for Andy Borowitz

How does he nail it every day?

[Ilsa]

2. Andy keeps me sane.

I wish he would marry me!

[Lulu KC]

3. I'm there with you!

First thing in the a.m., he's there waiting for me in my inbox. I read Heather Cox Richardson and then I recover by seeing what Andy has to say. And the dogs! He's a masterpiece.