Spurious News: Trump receives the "perfect' present for him!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- "They're beautiful," said King Donald Trump. "They're just what I always wanted. I can't wait to try them on."
The president is referring to what his advisors describe as "the greatest present he's ever received," a pair of gold-plated Smith & Wesson handcuffs he received in the mail yesterday.
The president's inner circle has no idea who thinks so poorly of him they'd mail him a pair of handcuffs as a Christmas present, but the box bears the return address of Melania Knauss, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC 20500. Knauss is the maiden name of Trump's fifteenth and current wife, and the inner circle does not believe the first lady would send the president handcuffs. The first lady begs to differ.
"I don't know why they are thinking like they do," First Lady Trump said. "I cannot stand that fuckstick. I hate his guts. I think he needs to be locked up for the good of the world. Of course I sent them."