Spurious News: Trump explains why he stopped ICE raids on hotels and restaurants
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump has recently announced that he directed Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem to suspend performing immigration enforcement inspections on farms, food processing plants, restaurants and hotels. Many people have questioned this edict, as those four industries are America's largest employers of undocumented immigrants and not checking those places will probably interfere with his stated goal of deporting "a kajillion" undocumented immigrants before the end of 2025..
This morning at a press conference, King Donald explained his motivation for this order.
"It's very hard to hire people to fill the shitty jobs I offer for what I pay," KIng Donald said, "and I can't get away with paying Americans four dollars an hour like I can illegal Mexicans. Between the tariffs I imposed on the Chinese linens we use on our beds and the cost of hiring Americans to clean rooms and cook, I would have to raise my rack rate from $750 per night to...maybe $775. My price-conscious guests won't accept that so I'll do anything I can to keep my costs down."
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, who ran for vice-president on the Democratic ticket in 2024, was quick to comment: "He's admitting to being a cheap bastard? Everyone knew that already but it's interesting to hear him say that out loud."
A representative of the American Hotel and Lodging Association, a trade group for the hospitality industry, disputed King Donald's claim that a luxury property with high occupancy rates would suffer from an incremental price increase. "Trump Hotels raises their rack rate every year, and we've done studies that prove guests at hotels of Trump Hotels' quality would seek alternative lodging if they raised their prices as little as Mr. Trump is suggesting. Instead, we've found that such small increases often make the property more desirable to well-heeled clientele; they make the property seem a bit more exclusive. But if a slight increase in the rack rate causes Trump to fail in the hotel business, that sounds about right since he's already failed at every other business there is."
The chefs at Trump's Las Vegas property responded to King Donald's statement by creating a new dish just for him, a special soup. "We call it Sopa de Orina," said the saucier. "We make it by thickening a gallon of horse piss, adding a pound of horseradish, ten diced onions and six chopped-up Big Macs, and boiling it until it smells bad enough." No one at the property has yet to try it and no one plans to. "You'd have to be crazy to eat this, but that's okay; the pendejo who owns this place went out of his damn mind years ago so it's the perfect dish for him."